fancy this,

I can't write well, but trust me, I can think. Underneath the under rated complexity of my scalp, lies a labyrinth of my thoughts. Try to perceive them but you'll get lost. Try to escape but the more you'll become disoriented. But you're an exception. I've pretty much given you a map to my thoughts.

I sit here, still looking for a key to get in yours. Is what I do; how I show it not enough? I've given you all of me; now, I want all of you. Give me a key to your thoughts and I promise our minds will intertwine in a frenzy of glee. Once upon a time; happily ever after.

To Jermi:

Jermi, I know how you must be feeling right now. I've been through it too. Things might not seem too bright right now but I know they will be later. So there's no use in crying; sulking over negative thoughts. When this is over, and he's all better, you, your brother, your sister, your mom and your dad will be together as a family again. Just how you always wanted it to be. Keep your head up. I'll be here if you ever need anything, friend.

A friend once told me she wasn't sure if she was going to marry her boyfriend whom she has been with for a long time. Pretty much all of high school. She told me they talked about it but she always had second thoughts. "He is a good boyfriend and all, but he doesn't seem like the type to have a career. I need someone who can provide just in case." Damn.

I agreed and laughed. But in the back of my head, it really got me thinking. I know I wasn't the best academically in school; I know I could have done better. But the fact is, school's finished and real life's commenced. I can't travel back in time like Henry. So I gotta make the best of the future to try and compensate for the past. I don't want the girl that I plan to be with to think the same thing about me. I want to avoid the doubts and have nothing less than certainty. After all, marriage is about trust, loyalty; faith. Right?

This has been on my mind for a while, but for some reason I just can't act on it. To be honest, maybe I'm just a little lazy right now. No, wait. Not lazy. Discouraged. I'm losing motivation/inspiration from the stress; depression. Life is just so complicated when you attempt to comprehend it. Right now, I'm in the live-in-the-present-and-not-look-too-far-ahead phase. I need to cut the bull shit and figure my self out. What I wanna do, what I wanna become; who I wanna do it for. Because shit, I wanna impress that girl one day. And you know what? I will.

I will.

Occasionally, I'd hear people say, "My mom is so strict! She keeps calling asking where I am now!" or "My mom is over protective." Honestly, I'm jealous of everyone who has a Mom. It fucking sucks to remember so little about your own Mom. It's been seven years and slowly, I'm forgetting a lot of stuff about her. I understand the phrase "You don't realise what you got, until it's gone." is cliche though. Obviously, you can't learn to be happy with someone forever. But I do believe in trying your best to make the best of the time you have with them. And ever since my Mom passed away, My Dad's been too easy going on me. Don't get me wrong, it isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I do miss having limitations. I miss being grounded. I miss everything. Looking at old photo albums, it really sucks to look at my Dad and see how happy he looked with my Mom all those years ago. Sometimes, I can't understand how he can be so strong about it. He told me "I only have hope because of you and kuya." But up to date, my life hasn't been the greatest. It fucking sucks to be in the middle of everything. I'm just hoping somewhere down the road, my brother and my Dad will be in good terms again. Because honestly, I'm so sick of all this shit. I'm sick of everything that I've had to endure; I'm sick of crying over all the drama. There's so much things I can't even talk about with even my closest friends. But you know what? I'll just put on my fake smile, imperceivable like every other day, and just hope that somewhere down the road, things will brighten up again.

I really wish you were still here Mom. I miss and love you so much. July 21, 2002, 8:20pm

so it's coming out tomorrow(sarcasm): the time traveler's wife. and i'm watching it. YESSSSS

hey did you guys know time traveler's wife doesn't come out tomorrow... it comes out a few days after... hahah...



DAMN ALL OF YOU WHO ARE WATCHING IT TOMORROW!!! #$$%*%*%##%!!!:(:(:(:(::((

pave this road

One minute, Two. Too many mistakes to compensate. Sixty seconds pass but I'm stuck in the past; can't move forward. Come on, increase speed. I'm tryin' but everything is moving slow motion for me. Time can't cure this. Time is a damn disease, now. I'll Backtrack down tobacco road to only one solution: hopelessly incentively submissive. Situation's gone too calloused; I'm trying to alleviate, but it looks like I'm restricted. I'll sacrifice my memories like Christ sacrificed his life. Protect me; diminish my pain. I'll be resurrected again.
Dig it.

"They askin' me if I'll be back when I'm old.
In fact, no. These are my last tracks along tobacco road."

Coffee And Snow

scholars dawn

Fuck all the emo blogs I do. I hate reading over them again so here's a happy one for all of you:

I missed the feeling of waking up to a cold temperature. Even though I didn't wear a blanket while I slept and is probably gonna get sick now, I really missed the feeling. Rainy days are supposedly supposed to signify depression, despair, misery and all that drama jazz, but I've grown to believe it represents the exact opposite. It's to bring enlightenment to those who are stressing out; depressing out.

They say there is a balance. A balance between the good and bad. This rainy day is the good for me; I can't help but admire it. And can you keep a secret? In Elementary, when it would rain and everyone had to stay inside to what they would call an "inside day", I would grin discreetly in the corner of the classroom while everyone else wept and cried. I guess no one really liked the rain as much as I did haha.

Also, we used to have a playground near my old house back in Burnaby. I remember sitting under it while it rained. Hopelessly trying to dodge all the drops that made it through the roof with a million holes on it; quickly going from damp to drenched. I knew I'd be in trouble in a few minutes. So I make my last words; cherish the rain while it's still here. Consequences are soon to follow. But it was all worth it.

I'm not going to get wet today. But I will adore the rest of the day.

use the depression as inspiration

I'm not in love. I'm in lust. In lust for love. Dig it; get a grip. Pray it will be okay; keep praying for better days. Coincidences don't exist. Only fate, destiny; the meant-to-bes.

yellow skin; brown eyes. how complex.

I can't understand you-- this situation. You tell me we can't go any further in this relationship, yet... you told me that you still like me. I'm not scared to say it either: I like you too. And I've fallen too hard to get back up. I've never liked a girl this much in a long time. How the hell am I supposed to get up? Why are you teasing me, taunting me; confusing me like this? You're testing me aren't you? Well I don't wanna play this game anymore! There's too much thinking involved! To be honest, I don't even wanna make you my girlfriend. At this time, I'd just like to get to know you better. I mean, if we can't even maintain this friendship, how the hell would we be able to handle the pressure of commitment on our shoulders? But I guess it's safe to say that no matter what happens, our friendship will always be awkward now. We can't even talk normally sometimes! Fuck, this shit is too complicated! fuck, shit, cunt, vag, horse feces!!#!@$%@@!!PISS COMING OUT FROM MY ASS!!$@!

to blogspot:

Over time, blogspot has grown to become my contemporary comfort zone. Because I can't project my insecurities on people, I turn to blogspot to say them for me. It's quite ironic though. The fact I can't express my feelings towards some people yet I put them on a site that everyone is free to read. But I guess a part of me wants people to read what I blog haha. Anyways, I'd like to thank blogspot for lending an ear to my regards; helping me express myself. If it weren't here, I don't know how else I would get rid of all these feelings. I can't even find the time to go out and buy a journal dammit! So for the time being, blogspot will remain my first priority when it comes to my emotions. Thanks for that.

Don't go away yet baby, I still go so much to say. brb.

Random Topic

I've noticed that I have been hypocritical among a lot of things on the internet. Facebook, Blogspot, Twitter, And Tumblr were all things I used to make fun of. And to update you, I have made an account on three of the four sites. I'm pretty much considering on making an account on Tumblr now haha. I guess this is when the saying, "Don't knock it until you try it." comes into play. Yeah, I think I might just do that haha.

Now, If only real life wasn't so hypocritical. Wait am I being a hypocrite about being a hypocrite? Ahh, screw it. I'm confused dammit.

I'll find something better to blog about later. Effing writers block.

what the

I just made twitter... what the eff?